Slumber party

She taught me the words for my body and then stripped them away, all my anatomy, my life-giving, my floating head tied down by a thin ribbon and a small but dense weight, made me just like her, disoriented, umbric and amniotic, just a silly game, a wet smooch, aren’t you too young to think about boys, this is what my daddy and mommy do, this is called the, your, my, my, my, oh my, too obedient to say God, filling with dark confetti, small but dense, that slumber-party scent, rape-sweet with shame, purple sparkles suspended in gooey shame, cello-dark like dozens of doll eyes, desire suspended in context, my who has known molestation but still wants, my mislabeled Wednesday, my belly button, my cold seat, I who know but still want, I who just like her, I who think about boys, I who say God like a small but dense weight, I who life-giving feel shame, I who dark desire give in to the cello, no word for body, all slumber

Body Count

in the beginning, there were numbers.
a mouthful of them invented to make murder 
sound too much like arithmetic: 
one body, plus one scream, times 2,000. 
count. 2,000 seconds from now, 
the sky will fall a little lower. 
you won’t feel it, but that’s the 
whole point. every second is leash
to hold. pull long enough, & something 
gives—a brick, a breath, a body. 
2,000 meters away, abuja area mama 
is murdered. her jaw clenched shut
like she bit through 2,000 spoons, 
because the knife was busy elsewhere 
in her body. at the crime scene, a man
says she saw it coming. says war begins 
at 2,000 miles before the first shot is fired.
says a number first fits into a mouth, 
long before it fits into a headline: 

news flash—popular nigerian trans woman
found dead along abuja highway. tragic incident. 

say mister, then say ma’am. 
say incident as if violence is a thing 
that stumbles into itself. 
as if a blade trips, & suddenly 
there’s a throat in the way. 
you count 2,000 ways to burn 
& not one of them requires fire. 
i count 2,000 kilometers spreading too wide 
for justice. 2,000 steps taken
from the scene to the morgue.
2,000 failures stacked 
into something that moves—or will 
no longer move. 
i have seen a man’s face break 
when he steps over a body
that looks like his but isn’t. 
i have grazed concrete that bore
the outline of a scream, the contour of a jaw 
that resisted. what have we made 
of this world? you count numbers, 
i count cities by how fast they eat 
their dead. 
somewhere, someone prays for morning 
& gets only more night. 
safety is a watered dialogue 
budding in the mouths of norm-borns.
the rest of us lock our doors & pray our pronouns 
don’t leak into the night.
at 2,000 feet above sea level, the air thins, 
but not my memory. 
2,000 lights have gone out & each one, 
a little apocalypse. 
i will count. i will count 2,000 times 
if that’s what it takes. 
if that’s what it takes 
for one of them
to finally count 
back.
count. 
Hilary Ikechukwu Emerole.

count.
Hamza Idris-Tofawa. 

count.
Umar Yusuf-Dungurawa.

count.

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Louis Kahn’s Ghost: National Assembly Building, Dhaka, Bangladesh

1961, construction began———the Architect drawing a dream———in poured concrete.
A substantial challenge———to give lodging to Democracy———to give form to the State when she
is still forming———coagulating from Partition and Injustice———nebulous, indeterminate. 1971,
the people demanded Revolution———Independence and Liberation, lofty ideals———petrified
Architect granted Absolution by his own demise. 3000 Moons later———completed
posthumously———they say his ghost haunts the Rotunda———whispers
to Members of Parliament———Spirit & Science———Spirit & Science———Spirit & Science——
—conjecturing whether he got it right———the precise Configuration of Arches to Atriums———
Courts to Porticoes———Aperture to Volume. It’s true———he had not envisioned the serene lake
as Moat———the heftas Fortress———the Machine Gun Military Men patrolling its walls———
the questionable use of that teal carpet———let alone, the Dictator———to whom his specter
gesticulates wildly———something about civic duty———having lost his voice.

New Nukes and Old Ghosts

I did not know until my husband’s feet turned blue, until the tumors conquered his lungs and thwarted his breath, until the morphine drip stilled, and the feeding tube dangled empty of nutrition. Only when no warm place remained to rest my face, to seek his aliveness, only then did I learn that Michael’s father died at 58 of the same aggressive lung cancer. 

Only then did I also learn that Dick, his journalist father, witnessed the dawn of the nuclear age. My mother-in-law Katie, the loss of her 36-year-old son merging with her widow’s grief, her white hair neat in its daily braided bun, cast her eyes on her lap, her hands twisting the thinned gold wedding band. She spoke without raising her gaze.

They were handed goggles but no other protection. They were told to turn around. 

My father-in-law, dead long before he would have become my father-in-law, returned from WWII to his wife and two children and his career at the Oregon Journal. In 1946 he was invited to attend Operation Crossroads at Bikini Atoll where journalists witnessed the test atomic bomb explosions aboard the USS Appalachian. Their job: to ease the public’s anxiety about the experiment. 

They told him the only hazard was the possibility of sterility. We had two children. We could take the risk.

Later, Dick also witnessed atomic tests in the Nevada desert, where witnesses were kept at least ten miles from the impact sites, except for a 1953 blast, when journalists were trenched two miles away. 

Their third child came in early 1947, so Katie must have already been pregnant when Dick left for Bikini Atoll the summer of 1946. In 1948 and 1951 she miscarried twice, something that had not happened during all her previous years of childbearing, before giving birth to her fourth and fifth children. Michael, the baby of the family, arrived in 1953.

You see dear, sterility was not the risk after all. 

During the ‘80s, the office of an Oregon senator contacted my mother-in-law as part of an effort to study the cancers of those witnesses and to help them seek compensation. I encouraged her to respond but I don’t believe she followed through. She could not bear the thought of remuneration for her loss. 

My daughter’s health remains sturdy at 46, yet for years I wondered if the radiation of witnesses would also damage a third generation, would harm my child who lost her father when she was ten. For a long while I watched studies, although truly understanding them was beyond my scientific abilities. Eventually my vague fear of genetically transmitted irregularities receded into the place where all my other ghosts swarm quietly. 

This week, my daughter stunned me with the revelation of her fear.

I didn’t expect to live a long life. That’s why I took so many risks when I was younger.

At Bikini Atoll, artists joined the journalists aboard the USS Appalachian. They documented the bomb’s ability to destroy battleships. They painted the unearthly beauty of an atomic explosion, plumes and puff balls and mushroom clouds in brilliant shades of orange, softer pink, dull gray. They painted Bikini Village after the blast and after the resulting tidal wave. They painted grinning journalists with goggles in place waiting for the blast. They painted the admirals and captains. They painted King Juda of Bikini. They painted battleships waiting, battleships destroyed, the placid sunset that followed, their art intended, like the journalists’ coverage, to ease the public’s anxiety.

My anxiety, eased only by time, resurfaces as President Trump tells the Defense Department to recommence the nuclear testing halted in 1992 at the end of the Cold War, and as the last remaining treaty between the United States and Russia limiting nuclear weapons expires. My roused ghosts murmur, NoNoNo. They paint images behind my eyes. 

Shadows of vaporized victims in Hiroshima.

Michael, panicked by morphine hallucinations, gasping for breath. 

The long list of cancers that killed downwinders, those who lived or worked downwind of the test blasts.

My ghosts, rustle, sigh, insist I act. We must awaken all the ghosts who will whisper so loudly that you cannot ignore them. 

Elián González

I wake from a night sweat
to a cold snap, negative twenty
windchill and the shape of your name
bobbing towards the shore
of the bed. My love brings me
coffee and a question:
tell you the terrible things
now, or tell them to you later?
A boat and a life raft,
a boy and an ocean. Yesterday,
another murder in Minnesota.
Agents in tactical gear, waging war
against the foreign bodies
in their own hearts they never
loved enough to teach to swim.
We hold each other well
into the morning, saying
the loud things quietly,
and the quiet things out loud.

Extra Minutes

The schedule changed on January third. Management quietly adjusted the minutes and taped up a notice beside the time clock—the paper slightly crooked, already curling at the edges. At shift change, people gathered to read it. They studied the margins, the logo at the top, the language that tried to sound neutral.

“They moved it back again,” Paul said, tapping the clock hands with his fingernail. “Three more minutes. Break’s shorter, too.”

Raymond rubbed a circle on the floor with the toe of his boot. “Adds up.”

“By Friday,” Paul said. He waited. “Unpaid.”

Raymond knew they adjusted the clock. Not drastically, never enough to argue over, but often, they nudged the hands back by a minute here, two there, the changes folded into maintenance the way technicians fixed light fixtures or belts. By Friday, the week ran nearly an hour longer. The losses stacked in small increments.

Every day, after Raymond punched in to his shift, he sorted in the distribution center, where boxes and bins cycled by on wide belts. Conveyors carried packages from one end of the floor to the other, then looped back. A closed system. The belts kept their own time. They didn’t wait.

Raymond picked the big boxes. He’d done it long enough that his hands knew a container’s weight before the scanner chirped. When things went well, the work was simple. 

Lift. Scan. Stack. 

Lift. Scan. Stack.

Precise movements, perfected by repetition. He’d gone slight over the years, his joints storing the work. Sometimes he read the labels without meaning to. Addresses stuck with him, useless as facts. 

If something jammed, if a bin tipped, if a label peeled loose, it sent a brief shudder through the line, the metal complaining. Then the work resumed. Sometimes there was a rush, an order flagged urgent, a supervisor hovering close enough to change the air. In those moments, speed mattered. But the belts kept their pace anyway.

In the break room, people talked about the new year. Dry January. Training schedules. A woman from receiving said she’d started waking at four to journal before her shift, like she’d found a way to borrow time. Paul laughed and said he was tracking calories now, like it was a joke.

Raymond listened. Listening cost nothing.

That night, his daughter Lena stood on the counter and circled dates on the new calendar with a red marker.

“Will you fix it?” she asked.

“Fix what?” Raymond asked as he leaned against the sink, rinsing rice. The grains swirled and clicked against the sides of the colander.

“This year,” she said.

Her school had sent home flyers about goals. Raymond folded them carefully and slid them under the sink, where they soaked up spills.

***

On a Thursday, Paul went down in Aisle C.

He wasn’t dead. Just undone. Knees folding. Mouth slack. A complete collapse.

For a long minute, no one moved in to help. It wasn’t clear whether this counted as an emergency.

Raymond hit the stop button and got to Paul first.

“You okay?” he asked.

Paul’s eyes fluttered open. “Skipped lunch. Trying something new.”

The ambulance came. Forms were filled out. The belts paused, then resumed, carrying bins past where Paul had been. The gap closed without anyone commenting.

After work, Raymond drove across town to an empty lot. The engine ticked after he’d parked, the dashboard clock reading 9:17. He should have been home already. 

He thought about the hour management had taken in chunks, how it didn’t feel like theft while it was happening.

Instead of driving home, he walked over to the river.

It wasn’t scenic—runoff thick with silt slurrying behind a closed tire shop. Glass in the dirt. A shopping cart tipped on its side. The current eddied past what it couldn’t take, caught for a moment on what it could, then released.

Raymond stuffed his cold hands in his jacket pockets. He told himself this wasn’t rest. He didn’t tell himself anything else. He lingered until his locked knees ached.

After that, he went every Thursday. Not to recover the hour—there was no getting that back. Sometimes, he brought cookies and ate them slowly, breaking each bite in half. Sometimes he did nothing. The time passed either way.

At work, the pressure tightened. New posters appeared beside the time clock. 

Own your output. 

Use your time wisely. 

A supervisor asked Raymond if he’d considered using his breaks more strategically.

“For what?” Raymond asked.

The supervisor smiled. “For yourself.”

Raymond nodded. He was good at nodding.

In March, Lena brought home another flyer titled “Ways to Develop Grit.

“What’s grit?” she asked.

Raymond thought of the belts, the clock, the way the week stretched without looking different. “It’s staying,” he said.

She watched him wash the dishes. “You stay,” she said, like she was writing it down.

***

Paul came back to the line with a brace on his knee. One afternoon, Raymond watched him clip a pallet with the lift, small cans scattering everywhere. Bright. Loud.

Raymond stooped and gathered them up.

“I don’t know how to stop,” Paul said.

Raymond thought of the clock, the small backward turns. “You don’t have to,” he said. “Not everything at once.”

Later that month, management announced another adjustment. A few more minutes, barely explained. Another correction to the clock. People complained, then went back to work. Complaining took time.

Raymond didn’t say anything. He worked his shift. He clocked out when the screen told him to. He drove home on the same roads.

“You’re late,” Lena would say.

“Yeah. A little.” 

Every Thursday, he still visited the river, where that week followed him, minute by minute, where he stood long enough to feel time.

Bury It Good and Deep

“It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it.” Seneca

*

At dawn our crew punches in
to gut out the same day,
another yard, another birth
of deluge pushing from below.

We split the green membrane
down to the marl of earth
tunneling out the turf.
A cold silence sears in me.
The fertile May sun blossoms
above an aged cherry tree.

Dirt clumps in roots like the clench
of small pained fists. The hours breed
our pace as we trench down
to the depth of the burst line.

**

It is mercy that pipe lies deeper
than a child’s grave, a memory
never spoken of. Already
our muscles feel a good day’s work.

The backhoe comes later,
then the smell—wet soil and worms—
hidden within the cut.
The air rings with crow caws.
I drop down the ladder
to fix one seepage in the world.

My skull sunk far below grass,
its thoughts sew in soil like seeds
sprouting hopeless tendrils to dig
into this uterine mud.

***

Filled by dusk, a small scar
mars the perfect yard, yet
every job is just a planting—
each mind roots where each falls.

The days form a forest
that leafs out a fresh life.
Morning finds the same hole
in loam of the next lawn.
Daily I rise broken
to fill the hole of myself,

and bleed salt to salve my cuts.
“Today is still its own good life.”
Dirt, sweat, day, dark, water, bread.
Somehow, this is all of it.

The Regime

Siri sets an alarm for twenty minutes. To shave 
to scrub, to lather. Nick myself like a prize cut 
season salt into the shank of my thigh. It stings, of course it does:
the kind of burn that blossoms. I slather the butter. Phone blings.
Cauterized, lubricated, ready. 

One day I’ll be devastating. Hot enough to ruin dinner
a silence-starter, violence in vintage Gabbana. 
Men, burning their lips on cigarettes
spilling the sauce, forgetting their wives. I won’t even notice. 

Last year, cleanser broke me: fogged thoughts, red skin
it smelt like bleach and rose. The girls at Vogue loved it. 
My pores felt like the problem. I scoured my face
read the reviews. Paid for the shipping. 

Who doesn’t love to feel slutty and stupid? Five-inch heels
taut like Eva Longoria at the DNC. The devil’s slit lapping my thigh—blue lace.
He’ll tear the dress. Choke me, gently. 
He’ll say: finally. The mirror will say I’m improving. 

You have to work for it. Gym, injections, UV. 
Wax, bleach, retinol. Serum. Oil.
Burn. Peel. Inject. Repair. Repeat. 
Smoking. Salads. Starving. 

My therapist says it’s enough. 
I set the alarm. Twenty minutes. No cheating. 
If it hurts, it works.
If it stops hurting
I’ll try something else. 

Terms of Sale

Her parents can’t live
in their house anymore.
The stairs, the driveway 
coated with snow, 
the hill,
her mom’s hip and dad’s knees,
their diminishing
pensions.

So they decide to sell.
Empty the house,
clean and paint it 
so it looks anonymous and bright.

They excise all things personal
except the piano. 
Her great-aunt’s piano.

Her great-aunt loved music;
everyone in her family loves music.
Her brother plays metal guitar; her uncles, banjo; her dad guiro when
the spirit moves him.

All of us have crowded around those keys.

But her parents won’t have space 
in the apartment they’ll move to after the sale. 
It is stairless,
with a metal bar to grip in the shower and
a sidewalk they won’t have to shovel.

So her parents offer the piano 
to the buyers they find for the house.
The buyers say yes, they like the look:
the piano is large, old and elegant. 
Mahogany.

Only later, a few days before the sale,
the day the government changes
the buyers also change their minds.
Tell her parents to get rid of it. 

Her father tries to sell or give it away.
To music schools and churches,
acquaintances and friendly, anonymous accounts online. 
He promises to borrow a truck 
to deliver it.

A few people call and say they’re interested
but then they change their minds too.
The buyers of the house want it gone.

Her parents realize they’ll have to throw it away. A piano
that is nearly a hundred years old, that supposedly
survived the war.

Her father is resourceful. He says maybe he can 
peel off the ivory keys and sell them.
Her mother puts her fists in her ears. 

At the dual-language school where her cousin works,
men in black vests with white print try to break down the door,
try to find children to disappear. 
Afterwards, she silences her son 
when he speaks Spanish in the street.

Her father realizes he must use a sledgehammer 
to break the piano, 
to turn it into timber,
into disposable bits.
But the hammer slips from his hands.
He cannot destroy it, cannot
tear its keys with pliers,
cannot pull them like teeth.

He has a friend who is new to this country,
who watched
his own country crumble
with a few strokes of a pen.
He tells her father he can stomach it,
that you can stomach anything if you have enough
need.
Says once a thing is in pieces,
it gets easier to forget
what was and wasn’t there.

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