Hermaphroditism and Culling Adaptations of the Blue-Banded Hawk

An evolutionary anomaly, the blue-banded hawk (Parabuteo discinctus) has long flown under the radar. Sexually dimorphic in adulthood yet displaying hermaphroditism as a fledgling, there is much to examine concerning the social and reproductive behaviours contributing to their decline. 

Blue-banded hawks are raised in kettles consisting of a single adult female, adult males, and hermaphrodite youth. Whereas the female labors considerably to nurture her offspring,1 adult males only interact with the brood when they are being fed, snatching insects from the mother’s mouth.2 As a consequence of this confounding adaptation, many chicks do not reach adulthood. 

A female hawk may be identified by two iridescent blue-grey bands on her rectrices. Such distribution of visual attractiveness is atypical in species displaying anisogamy, with females also producing macrogametes. Though biologically greater in size, females often display fasting behaviors.3 This stereotypic behavior is hypothesized to be a stress response.

Until maturity, fledglings exhibit simultaneous hermaphroditism. Protandry, defined by the increased secretion of female sex hormones and the suppression of male sex hormones, is induced when the sole female in the kettle is unable to provide.4 These sex changes mark adulthood, and have been observed to occur only once in a hawk’s lifetime. Protogyny, the counterpart to protandry, has no clear causative factors. Under the care of an adequate female, fledglings mature primarily into male individuals. If an adequate female is already present in a kettle, protandrous fledglings are cast out.5 Lone females become vulnerable to predators 6and the aggression of other hawks.7 

As hermaphrodites, fledglings simply mimic adult traits.8 However, upon reaching maturity, males cease allopreening and social behaviors beyond feeding and physical conflict.9 Such violence over the possession of a lone female mirrors the female’s imperative to mate and raise a kettle for survival.10 This violence, contradictory to Darwinian evolution, extends within a kettle, lowering the survival rates of both offspring and adults. 

Blue-banded hawk populations are fragmented and facing extinction, as a consequence of stress, ostracism, and aggression in adult individuals. Hermaphrodite offspring appear to have greater fitness for survival, performing social behaviors for the benefit of the kettle. Fledglings have been observed to ensure smaller individuals are first provided for. There is emerging evidence of fledglings attempting hunting and feeding behaviors out of curiosity, rather than duty.11 It is perhaps in the best interest of the population, and in accordance with Darwinian evolution, for the blue-banded hawk to retain the hermaphroditism of its youth.12 

  1. I’d wake every morning to smoke and searing oil—my mother frying eggs on the stove. She’d ask me to set the table. My brother would wake at noon and complain that the eggs had gone cold. ↩︎
  2. Before she’d moved out, my sister and I would cook on the weekends. Our dad ate his dinner with one hand, sitting at the table on his laptop. As always, he was writing emails or cursing shouldn’t have hired her or on a work call. 
    ↩︎
  3. My mother would watch her wrinkles grow in the mirror and moan about the fat she couldn’t get rid of. She’d serve herself half a bowl of rice and serve my brother two. ↩︎
  4. When my mother came down with the flu, I found her in the kitchen, heating the stove, before I’d told her to go to bed. My brother scarfed down the eggs after I’d scrambled them and asked why mum had changed her recipe. ↩︎
  5. My sister invited me first to her new home—a closeted apartment paid off with her own money. Rent was at $530 a week. We laid on her bare mattress under the window, side by side, birds disappearing into clouds. ↩︎
  6. I’d dropped my jacket on the road and a car honked to alert me. I ignored it at first, certain it was another man rolling down his window to yell blow us a kiss, babe. ↩︎
  7. Give us a kiss before we go. My uncle opened his arms, waiting at the door for his embrace. His wife’s arms were laden with bags, her right hand seized by their child. ↩︎
  8. My sister invited me first to meet her child. The curtains in the nursery were closed and I huddled with her, in the dark, beside the cot. She broke down in my arms. The baby, hearing his mother cry, began crying too. ↩︎
  9. Since and long after her second trimester, my sister had been reliant on her husband’s income. My mother, when invited over, criticized her for the unwashed dishes. I began washing the dishes. My brother, when offered, held the baby like a wet dishrag. ↩︎
  10. Again, my mother asked when I would give her another grandchild. My worst nightmares are her waking moments. But I couldn’t tell her that. Instead, I told her I did not like men. She paled, almost fainting. She told me not to joke about that. 
    ↩︎
  11. I brought my sister her favorite meal—an entire plate of honey chicken, two bowls of rice. My sister laughed in delight. The baby, hearing his mother laugh, began laughing too. ↩︎
  12. At noon, my brother wanders into the kitchen, peers at the empty pan on the stove, and asks if we’re running low on eggs. “No,” I say. “I didn’t cook any for you.” ↩︎

Autogynepygmaliac

He wants to be a painting of a pale woman. 

He wants to look into the eyes of Medusa and 
watch as his body slowly transforms into 
the marble figure of Venus de Milo. 

He wants her body to be sandwiched between oil and canvas and 
she wants to be hung in the Musée D’Orsay and 
make European teenagers on class trips have 
sexual realizations and awakenings. 

She wants his perfection to be scrutinized by an art collector who 
holds a magnifying glass in one hand and an erection in the other. 

She wants to be a Greek myth. 
She wants his balls to be ripped to shreds by vultures at the end of each day, over and over. 

She wants to be still and dry and lounging on a fresh coat of paint but 
she doesn’t want to be the subject of some 
pastel and coy Rococo. 

She wants to be confident and unabashedly stare at the viewer with a smirk because she knows that he is a
piece of fine art, painted or sculpted by one of those undeniable greats and

who are you to be looking at him? Why are you staring? She knows you’re staring. She’s not a piece of pornography. He transcends pornography. Masturbation wouldn’t do him justice. She is a hyper-pornographic, forever-to-be-preserved-and-cherished, hyper-artistic piece of spiritual wet bliss and euphoria. A Trojan Magnum opus. 

The wooden floorboards of an art museum creak more slowly but with the same rhythm as a spring
mattress being pounded with the love of two people. 

By Any Other Name

Sometimes a peach is just a peach 
Sometimes a peach is a portal.
If I call a peach something other than a peach
do its juices still run down my chin?
Does it still sit sticky in my mouth?

I think of your dead name, 
how your father and I had searched the baby book
looking for the perfect name for you, a run 
of black letters on the page,
pleasing curves and sounds,
an orange-fleshed word sweet on our tongues,
how it seemed made for you.
When I think of you now, it’s never with that name
in my mouth. That name is an absence, 
shrivelled and brown,
a fly-blown fruit rotting on the ground.

A tree is a tree for its browns and greens, its cuts of sun
through branches, its soft bark against our fingers.
You are sugar-sweet buds on 
a spring blossom tree,
renewed every day.

A peach, 
a peach, 
a peach 
and
a portal.

Patch Notes for the End of the World

Before the first release, there was already a bug.
It appeared first as hunger. Then fear. Then the thrilling new ability to name a stranger enemy and call it necessary.
Humanity has been updating itself ever since. 

Version 1.0—Fire
Added the thrilling new ability to point at shadows and invent gods.
Known issue: Users keep discovering that a hand can hold either bread or a stone.
Developers maintain this is a feature.

Version 1.7—Tribe
Added names for everyone inside the circle.
Added worse names for everyone outside it.
Added drums. Added dancing. Added the first man who looked at another man’s need and said, unfortunately, there are procedures.
Bug report: Empathy not scaling beyond immediate family group.

Version 2.3—Border
Added fathers explaining why the sons must go.
Improved map functionality: Rivers now capable of separating the innocent from the slightly differently innocent.
Added fences, checkpoints, uniforms, stamps, paperwork, and one tired woman at a desk who has not slept since the Bronze Age.
Civilization now recognizes “ours” and “theirs.”
Humanity still not compatible.

Version 3.1—Empire
Expanded vocabulary for taking things.
Added destiny, extraction, trade routes, museums, treaties, and several marble rooms in which stolen objects can appear beautifully lit and almost harmless.
Added remorse language.
Remorse language only available after legal review.
Known issue: Ghosts accumulating in infrastructure.
Developers advise ignoring the pipes when they whisper.

Version 4.1—House
Ported conflict to domestic environments.
Added drawers that slam like verdicts.
Added doors that learn the language of artillery.
Added silence between family members, now available in twelve regional dialects.
Improved dinner table tension. Users may now experience dread while passing peas.

Version 4.9—Broadcast
Civilian casualties now render as unfortunate necessity.
Displacement renamed movement.
Hunger renamed pressure.
Mourning renamed cost.
Death renamed outcome.
Added experts. Added graphics. Added a man with perfect hair explaining that suffering, while regrettable, is very complicated and therefore nobody in particular did it.
Added breaking news.
News continues to break.

Version 6.6—Father
Improved inheritance system.
Added phrases:
Because I said so.
Don’t make me come in there.
You think you’ve got it hard?
I’ll give you something to cry about.
Added emotional opacity.
Added male sadness, which may appear as rage due to rendering error.
Known issue: User may confuse fear for respect.
Known issue: Love unavailable during maintenance.

Version 7.0—School
Added names of battles.
Added the phrase “never again,” repeated annually with increasing pageantry and decreasing accuracy.
Children now able to recite the year a war began while failing to identify the sound of one starting in their own home.
Added wreaths.
Added solemn music.
Added a minute of silence, which is not long enough, but nobody knows what to do with two.

Version 8.4—Apology
Improved reconciliation interface.
Added “I’m sorry you felt that way.”
Added “Mistakes were made.”
Added “This is not who we are,” despite extensive documentation.
Added public statements, private settlements, commemorative plaques, and one minister blinking with the spiritual vacancy of a printer jam.
Known issue: Wound remains active beneath ceremony.

Version 8.9—Child
Added child user to affected household.
Child observes father.
Child observes father observing grandfather.
Child observes grandfather observing a war that officially ended years ago but continues to receive updates through the blood.
Child learns footstep recognition.
Child learns weather from breathing.
Child learns which rooms are safe and which moods have knives in them.
Child learns humor.
Humor deployed as emergency flotation device.
Child says, “At least the apocalypse is punctual.”
No one laughs.
The apocalypse notes this for later.

Version 9.0—Memorial
Added photographs.
Added folded flags.
Added speeches about sacrifice delivered by men who are no longer young enough to be sacrificed.
Added children in clean shirts reciting dates they will later ignore.
Added monuments with excellent posture.
Added names carved into stone, which is apparently what we do when we cannot bear to carve them into policy.
Known issue: Memorial may create the impression that the past is finished.
Known issue: Past still running in background.

Version 9.7—Mirror
Added adult narrator.
Adult narrator now contains father’s jaw.
Adult narrator now contains grandfather’s silence.
Adult narrator now contains ancient instructions packed tightly behind the teeth.
Scenario loaded:
A smaller person stands in front of narrator.
A child, or brother, or student, or anyone still soft enough to believe the world is not yet inevitable.
The cup is broken.
The room is waiting.
The old script appears.
Say the cruel thing.
Raise the hand.
Make the wound useful.
Call it lesson.
Call it strength.
Call it what happened to you and therefore what must happen next.
System prompts narrator to continue family tradition.
Narrator experiences catastrophic tenderness.
Narrator says nothing.
Then narrator kneels.
Then narrator picks up the pieces.
Then narrator says, “Are you hurt?”
The room does not know what to do with this.
The ghosts look up from their trenches.
The knives remain in the drawer.

Version 10.0—Refusal
Removed inherited command: Hurt what hurt you.
Removed automatic escalation.
Removed father’s voice from emergency settings.
Installed language for apology.
Installed hands that open.
Installed pause before impact.
Installed sentence: That should not have happened to you.
Installed sentence: You do not have to earn gentleness.
Known issue: History may attempt to reinstall itself.
Known issue: Older versions may run during stress, grief, hunger, bureaucracy, Christmas, or any conversation beginning with “we need to talk.”
Peace has fewer sound effects.

Version 10.1—Minor Fixes
Updated kitchen.
Knives still present.
Bread still possible.
Fire still undecided.
Child user asks what happens next.
Narrator does not know.
This is the first honest release note in several thousand years.
Narrator opens hand.
Child takes it.
For once, nothing explodes.

Jukebox Rotation for War Days

this morning the ocean is flung out across the sheets, flagrant and languid, 
beads of light on its skin, the street is slow and lazy, air thick and heavy after rain, 
sliding its thighs together for the sheer pleasure of their weight, hibiscus unfurling, 
batting their lashes, licking their lips like they’re sleepily eating something with honey, 
bees drowse and bumble, still a little drunk from last night’s debauch, 
none of them are picturing the poet 

who told me years ago about the day 
he understood that songs were poetry, he lay 
on his best friend’s bedroom floor in brooklyn, 
now he is lying on the floor of my head 
with the rest of history

scattered in snapshots, sometimes polaroids, sometimes salt prints, 
albumen calotype ambrotype tintype daguerreotype cyanotype 
gelatin silver it depends on the period, the history of the world 
according to high school dropout, useless archive 
of partial things, the poet 

was sixteen. the album had just come out. the song 
was 7 O’Clock News / Silent Night.
he and his best friend lay side by side 
on the floor of the bedroom in brooklyn 
in vietnam wave after wave of u.s. troops broke 
and broke over the nation they destroyed by the time i was born 
the poet was a professor and i was told 

to look vets on the streets in the eye when i stepped over their legs, 
don’t be afraid my father said, say excuse me, give them change if you have it
he gave me change so i would have it it doesn’t matter what they do 
with it, they won’t hurt you he said they’ve done all the hurting they ever 
meant to do and then some, this fucking
country my father said this fucking country and its fucking 
walking dead remember

being sixteen when the radio 
mattered, and the car and the car’s tinny radio 
countdown, the weight of the keys, the power 
of pressing the gas, of gathering speed, the mastery 
of steering, rush of shifting gears, the girl 
with red hair, her hand out the window, her cigarette, the wind 
blew strands of hair across her face it always got
stuck in her wet n’ wild lipgloss, i hooked my finger 
to pull it free of her mouth i always smelled like her

apple drugstore shampoo we sang along to billy joel she would pretend to 
sing i would pretend not to notice when her voice would fade out she’d listen 
to me catch the low low notes she couldn’t hit 
alone 
once
her lips against my ear, breath quick, she whispered sing
to me, i like the way the low notes feel 
inside so i sang 
into her ribs i sang
into the cleft of thigh i sang 
it didn’t even matter what i sang 
today

the ocean is flung out across the sheets, lifting her body offering herself 
to the flagrant sun, beads of light on her skin i can barely remember 
the latin declensions or the types of greek columns or the names 
of cloud formations until late at night when i least
need them

but the smashed vase of history 
is scattered in pieces all over the floor of my 
head and every day i walk barefoot across
crouching to fish out stray bits
of what might matter 
the poet who did not want to go to war 
the vet on the sidewalk who said thank you young man
solemnly to me when i handed him 
the nickel i’d been holding in my fist 
and i nodded solemnly in return
i wonder

if they played taps at his 
funeral, if someone was there
to play taps if someone was there
to take the folded flag 
the archive

of every song i’ve ever 
sung into someone’s 
broken body so it would 
hum with the low 
low notes they couldn’t hit
alone

Keloid

It was an eyesore, the scar, a small lumpy tumescence above my friend’s left eyebrow, like an overgrown pimple. It was ugly. If he could’ve he would’ve hidden it, but his hair stuck straight up from his forehead like a wiry brush reaching for the clouds. So he tried to hide his entire self instead. Sitting at his desk he’d tuck his long limbs toward his body, knees to chest and calves clutched in tight, as though he were trying to pull himself shut. And he never spoke. At the beginning of the day, when the teacher called his name, he put his hand up wordlessly, raising it over his face so that it concealed not just his forehead, but most of his features, disappearing even as he admitted that he was, yes, here.

The boys in our class—a terror of eight-year-olds, myself among them—followed him during recess, goading him to speak. What is that? we’d say, pointing at his forehead. Is it a bug bite? A volcano? He’d cover the scar and look away, saying nothing.

The following spring he began to mete out single words, then sentences. He spoke an accented and scholarly English. He and I, the two fastest runners on the football pitch, became friends. He was always over at my house. His aunt worked late and my parents were happy to have him around: Such a polite and quiet boy; he could teach you a thing or two.

One afternoon we were sitting on the old blue duvet, eating fried potatoes wrapped in paper saturated with so much grease it was translucent. I was talking about my epileptic cousin, who I had recently witnessed having a seizure. He nearly died, I said dramatically, although it wasn’t exactly true.

My friend touched his scar and said, Ah, me as well. Then he began to tell the story. 

In the country where he’d grown up, my friend explained, his father had served as the Minister of Wildlife and Game. It was a minor role but carried responsibility and prestige. My friend was proud to be the Minister’s son. Then the coup happened. The new regime made a list of every person who served in the old cabinet, and not just them, but their spouses, their children, their parents. Soldiers ambushed my friend’s mother and brothers on their way to school. But my friend wasn’t with them. He was home with a fever. Home with his father. A soldier found them there. 

The first shot missed, my friend said. The second hit here. The third went into my father’s brain.

The fried potatoes had grown cold. Outside someone was kicking a ball into a wall in a hollow pulselike rhythm.

Then my questions came bursting out. How could people let this happen? Why didn’t the police stop it? Why didn’t they vote the old regime out and put them in jail?

Patiently, my friend explained: others would’ve been killed if they had protected my friend and his family. The police, the court, and the judges belonged to the new government. And there were no more elections.

Finally I burst out, But that can’t happen!

It can’t, he said, but it did. Now there is nothing else to be done.

That shocked me into silence, his resignation: There is nothing else to be done.

I don’t know whether we ever talked about it again. Certainly it changed my view of my friend. The way he curled into himself seemed less like a girding and more like an attempt to contain the horror safely inside. I wondered how a person survived that. We remained friends until we were teenagers, when he went to a different sixth form. But even as time moved us further from one another, the thing he’d said came back to me again and again: There is nothing else to be done. It gnawed at me when I received my exam results and realized that because of several low marks, I wouldn’t be able to attend university. When I got a stultifying job at the local council: There is nothing else to be done. And when I was made redundant: nothing else. A few years ago, when cancer bloomed in my wife, caught too late for treatment, the words became a comfort. I thought then I understood what my friend had meant. My wife wasted away and really, there was nothing else to be done.

Recently someone I knew from school sent me a news article. At first I didn’t understand why. It was one of those things that seems to happen all the time now, though you don’t like to think about it: a young man with a machete attacked a children’s music recital. Five children and two adults were injured before one of the fathers disarmed the attacker. I had to read the article twice to understand that the hero of this story was my old friend.

A video was embedded. In it, my friend was older, with parentheses on either side of his mouth, his hair receding as though to emphasize the keloid on his brow, which had neither shrunken nor softened as he’d aged.

A towheaded reporter tilted a microphone toward him and asked him if he had been afraid.

Everyone is afraid with a weapon pointed at them.

The reporter was unsatisfied. People are calling you a hero. How did you know what to do?

My friend raised his hand, then lowered it, like he was waving away or thought, or had reached to touch his scar but thought better of it.

No one knows what to do, he said. My child was in danger. Her friends. And we are all already dead too soon. So that man could not be allowed to keep his weapon. There was nothing else to be done.

Caddis

n. a worm; a weave

Green, olive, pale butter, cream, the soft-bodied grub in its portable case
Cases are tubular, collaged of debris, fastened by silk spun from the larval mouth
Mouth of the Great Lake blowing the last ice flats downriver
Rivers, riffles, lakes, streams, seeps, ponds, creeks—the architect builds its room in fresh waters
Water in December, cold and clean, a glittering guest at the front door
Door through which the head emerges: bristled, biting mouthparts, light & motion-sensing eyes
Eye of the rainbow sees panoramic caddis-snow—casemaker, collector, scraper, swimmer—adrift
Drifting through the midlayer on silken parachutes, out of Gondwana, across time
Time of peak drift, the sliver before dusk
Timespan of case construction, a day
Timeline of transfiguration, a year
Lifetime of fly, an anorectic moon
Moontime, the architect collects, in its grapple-hooked prolegs: sand, shell, stone, twig, bark, leaf,
____ cellulose-based rayon, polyester, acrylonitrile-butadiene-styrene, polyacrylamide, vinyl ester
____ resin, polyvinyl chloride, thermoplastic polyurethane, polypropylene, polyethylene
Polyethylene plastic nurdles, one billion pounds a year, manufactured by Nova Chemical
Nova Chemical says their plastics make everyday life healthier for people on the St. Clair River
Rivers are prime sinks for marine microplastics
Microplastics wander my blood, my brain, my heart, my lungs, my liver, my kidneys
Microplastics colour my breastmilk, my eyes, my throat, my ovaries, my saliva, my urine
Microplastics are in the zooplankton, zebra mussels, moths, mosquitoes, mayflies, in gobies, perch,
____ pickerel, in bass, bloater, bluegill, in pumpkinseed, catfish, whitefish, in
In the developing world, says Nova Chemical, the thirst for plastics is off the charts
Charting Lake Huron by distribution, type, and abundance of plastic debris per beach
Beaches at Sarnia yield ninety-four percent of total polyethylene nurdles across all sites sampled
Samples over a decade show plastics in nine-tenths of all Great Lakes drinking water
Great Lakes drinking water should be clean and cold
Cold December moon, Manidoo-giziisoons, Little Spirit Moon, the soft-bodied grub in its
____ microplastic case
Cases are swallowed whole, with their soft-bodied spirits, by glittering trout with panoramic eyes
I am pretty pleased, says the mayor, industry is the real hero here
Here in Sarnia, come springtime, caddisfly lift from the river like mist at dawn

Shine Early, Spring Salmon

My father and I pulled weeds today—
mouse-ear chickweed. Highly invasive.
European, of course.

In the forest, on walks, we target
cheat grass. Another invasive import.

This all started recently, this fixation
on invasive plants. It all started because
my mom wants native wildflowers
in the front of their house.

I’m trying to make this into
a metaphor, but it’s so literal:
the invaders are at the gate.

We walk through the forest
and I try to read it like a book.
I imagine I have the eyes of my Karuk ancestors,
eyes that could tell friend from foe
on the forest floor
with a glance.

What sicknesses would they notice
in the patterns of the moss?

Thousands of generations
spent
learning
________tending
___________befriending
our quiet kin.

Two generations
_____________to forget.

It is June, and I am sad
that pakachakaachas—
the Stellar’s Jays—
are gone. Tâat,
Kach’Aka, Píshiip and Axak left
two days ago from their drain pipe
nest, and my heart is filling their
void
______with
___________flowers.

At one time, Karuk speakers had accents thick enough that
they could tell where folks grew up by their
diphthongs and twangs. This fact makes me more
sad than many others that also make me
sad.

___________________________________We will never know the sum of what we’ve lost.

But the dams, at last, are broken.
The salmon swim again.
One hundred years,
One hundred
___________generations
Yet still they remember the way.

Karuk stories end
with this phrase
“Shine early, Spring Salmon, hurry upriver.
My back is straight.”

April is called iruravahívkuusra.
Spring Salmon month.

_______________________________________________The invaders are at the gates.

One hundred years ago
the Klamath dams were built
to be permanent.
But it was not the dams that
stood the test of time.

How long can this year go on?
I ask the salmon,
looking at the
destruction
____________invasion
_______________________conflagration
around the planet.

One year, she replies mildly.
Then it’s done.

Countdown

10… 

“When you look down at Earth, what do you think you’ll see?” 

Planetary departure is inevitable. There’s nothing left here for her to do. Mandatory isolation is T-minus three days. The dishes reside as permanent tenants in the stainless steel sink—water rations. Seeds from last year’s harvest, pocketed away in small business card-sized envelopes. 

Some for Harry to take, and the rest to stay with me, tucked away in a waterproof bag.

“Layers and layers of blue, and you. I think I’ll always be able to see you.” 

Her fingers dance alongside the back of my hand, past the scar from the time I tried to remove the pit from an avocado. A long-ago fruit. A long-ago scar. 

She’ll still be here, but not really.

9…

“Do you have to go up there?”

Stevie Nicks sings about time casting a spell on both of us from a spinning vinyl in the den. Harry cocoons herself against my back, wrapping her thin arms around my hollow stomach and up between my breasts. It’s too hot to lie like this, but we do it anyway. 

“The Ruby-crowned Kinglet and the Nashville Warbler—”

“Gone?” 

Harry nods her forehead into the nape of my neck, loosening my thinning braid. I want to tell her we can do more, convince the neighbors to turn their lights off at night, compost, but I know better. 

She says, “Without the birds…” 

Between her and me, it’s the things left unspoken that make me understand her the most. I hope Stevie is right and that she won’t forget me. 

Without the birds, the crickets won’t chirp.

The petrichor will be but a faint memory.

8…

“It’s about the tilt, then?”

Harry mouths delicate words—morrowlight, aurorae, lustrate—into my chest. Natural oil ran out long ago, but it doesn’t stop her from drilling straight through the core of my heart. 

“During Spring Equinox, the sun crosses the celestial equator, and the Earth’s axis doesn’t tilt away or toward the sun.”

The reflection of my eyes in hers is a tiny dwarf planet, expansive and deep. I’m reclassified like Pluto, no longer clearing her orbit.

Glow-in-the-dark stars constellate the ceiling of our bedroom into heart-shaped glaciers and ice. 

A forgotten planet is on everyone’s lips.

7…

“Would it be so different? ”

Harry paces the rug at the foot of our bed like an invisible spacehook is tugging her back. I spent last night buzzing her wavy shoulder-length hair down with a number two guard. 

“Gene expression changes in space, but they’re changing here, now. You can see that, can’t you?” 

I think about the phantom tether between me and my mother and my grandmother, how our lives begin and end in a hypoxic state. With Harry, the air continues to evaporate.

With the window open, nothing moves through. 

6…

“Do you remember our first date?”

There’s a Polaroid of us on the fridge. 

I stand at the portable camp stove, poking at what should be Harry’s favorite meal—Pho. But it’s mainly broth for her to eat one last time. Protein pills sound like such a drag.

“You named all the planets from biggest to smallest in less than ten seconds.”

I’d never met a real astronaut before. 

“JupiterSaturnUranusNeptuneEarthVenusMarsandMercury.” 

The planet’s names whistle through the gap in my teeth. A party trick, maybe, but two pieces of metal in space will collide eventually, only to fuse with the other.

Pale, yellow garlic scapes lay on the cutting board. Overflowered. 

But the bees don’t come.

5…

“Did you ever love me?”

Harry stops packing her 3.3 lbs of personal items. Everything that matters is right here in this house, on this land, even if it’s not thriving, too big for a bag. 

“I won’t spend our last days together proving what you already know to be true.”

She steps into my space and pulls the shirt off my body. A threadbare old cotton thing from a Pride run we did together at the beginning of our relationship. She rolls it with precision, tucking it into a sealed Ziploc bag, next to her other personal preference items.

I think of all the flowers I’ll never get to smell again if she doesn’t go now.

April hasn’t been the same since the lilacs stopped blooming. 

4…

“How much time do we have left?”

This existence is intolerable. I used to count the days, weeks, and months we’d been together until the years were a blurred mess of always.

“An eternity if we’re lucky. The rest of our lives if we’re smart.”

But we’ve done all the smart things, reduced our carbon footprint. Washed on cold. Went vegan. Showered together. 

What a waste.

A day on Earth is almost a year on Venus. Twin sisters. Fraternal but not identical. 

3…

“And if you don’t come back?”

Warm droplets pelt our skin, and what a relief to know, March’s rain wasn’t the last we’d ever feel.

“Do you feel that? The world wants to soften, to grow again.”

Forehead to forehead, she peppers her lips across my cheeks, nose, and mouth. 

Rain on a wedding day is a good omen. 

But what about on liftoff?

2…

“If it all goes dark?”

A Harvest Moon casts an orange glow on an inky sky. But she has her seeds, and I have mine.

“Stars twinkle. Don’t forget to romanticize the darkness, too.”

Phosphenes bloom behind closed eyes. 

Flashes of light, sparks, and color. 

1…

“What’s left to say?”

That we haven’t already said to one another.

Some things have disappeared over time, like the chamomile lawn Harry grew and the good coffee.

“We’re on a parallel countdown, you and I.”

Desperation lingers, along with the impression of her on the mattress. I wait for the tilt—for the sunbeams to scatter light across the room again before I break the earth with the spade. 

But for now it’s only darkness.

We’re an Ark split in two.

Slumber party

She taught me the words for my body and then stripped them away, all my anatomy, my life-giving, my floating head tied down by a thin ribbon and a small but dense weight, made me just like her, disoriented, umbric and amniotic, just a silly game, a wet smooch, aren’t you too young to think about boys, this is what my daddy and mommy do, this is called the, your, my, my, my, oh my, too obedient to say God, filling with dark confetti, small but dense, that slumber-party scent, rape-sweet with shame, purple sparkles suspended in gooey shame, cello-dark like dozens of doll eyes, desire suspended in context, my who has known molestation but still wants, my mislabeled Wednesday, my belly button, my cold seat, I who know but still want, I who just like her, I who think about boys, I who say God like a small but dense weight, I who life-giving feel shame, I who dark desire give in to the cello, no word for body, all slumber

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